Articles - Children and Adolescents Anxiety

Parenting Your Anxious and Fearful Child

Parenting your anxious and fearful child can, at times, be frustrating, bewildering, and certainly challenging. However, it can also be most rewarding and exhilarating as you see your child face his/her fears and anxieties and overcome them successfully.

As parents, we also must remember that it is both normal and expected that children of all ages will, at one time or another, encounter various situations which they will experience as either fearful or anxiety producing. Indeed, these fears and anxieties are quite common and, in many instances, are closely linked to your child's developmental age. A variety of research studies over the years have consistently found that children of varying ages typically report having between five and ten fears or more. These fears and anxieties will typically be somewhat different in their focus, frequency, and form depending upon the age of your child.

Very young children (ages 1-3) typically experience fears associated with strangers,loud noises, separation from caregivers, and new situations while preschoolers and early elementary aged children may have fears and anxieties associated with animals, darkness, parental separation, monsters and ghosts, and things such as lightning, thunder, etc. Older elementary aged children may also experience fear and anxiety associated with natural phenomena such as earthquakes, tornadoes, lightning, etc., as well as issues associated with school (e.g. test taking, poor grades, peer rejection), health (e.g. physical illness and injury, death, and medical procedures), and family (e.g. parental conflict, parental punishment, etc.). Adolescents tend to experience fears and anxieties associated with school events, physical illness, and personal adequacy. Sexual matters as well as economic and political concerns also begin to appear (Barrios and Dell, 1998).

For the most part, these fears and anxieties will typically be of short duration and will decrease with age. For most children, these developmentally expected fears and anxieties may serve an adaptive purpose as they provide your child with the opportunity to develop effective coping strategies and mastery of his/her environment.

Strategies to Assist Your Child

Although many of these fears and anxieties are to be expected and will be of short duration, as parents you can still actively assist your child in facing these situations and in successfully mastering them.

Caplan and Caplan (1983) and Manassis (1996) provide a number of excellent suggestions for parents to assist their child towards this goal. Many of these strategies are relatively simple and straight forward and are summarized below:

1. Label the Anxiety
Provide your child with a "name" for the feeling that they are experiencing when they encounter a fearful and anxiety-inducing situation. Acknowledge to them that you believe them when they say they are worried or frightened and that it is all right to feel anxious, nervous, etc. Never attempt to belittle your child's feelings or suggest that their feelings are unimportant.

2. Explain the Situation
Explain the situation to your child and what anxiety is and the facts about it. Reassure them that the feelings will eventually go away and that everybody has them sometimes.

3. Serve as a Positive Role Model
As your child will naturally look to you for guidance and assistance in these situations remember that you can serve as a positive role model and teacher in demonstrating to your child effective ways to cope. Keep this in mind when you, yourself are faced with your own fearful or anxiety-inducing situations or when you are with your child and he/she is experiencing these feelings. Showing your child by your actions that these situations can be successfully faced will serve to give your child a reassuring message that while fears and anxieties can initially produce unsettling feelings and physical sensations they also can be handled effectively and will eventually go away. Providing your child with a sense of calmness and self-confidence will serve to reduce their uncertainty and bolster their own feelings of positive mastery.

4. Demonstrate Coping Self-Talk
Show your child how to use coping self-talk to combat their fears and anxieties. Modelling and verbalizing out loud the thoughts and statements that you, yourself, use to reassure yourself and cope with an anxiety-producing situation will prove a powerful influence on your child. Teaching your child to use these kinds of statements will provide them with potent tools to face their fears effectively.

5. Relaxation
Teach your child simple relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation when they are feeling stressed and tense. Excellent tapes and books are available to assist you in teaching your child these simple strategies.

6. Provide Gradual Exposure to Build Self-Confidence
Prepare a plan to provide your child with gradual exposure to the feared object or to the anxiety-inducing situation. Breaking the plan down into manageable steps will allow your child to develop a sense of active mastery which will serve to build his/her self-confidence and permit him/her to subsequently tackle the feared situation more directly.

7 Provide Positive Reinforcement
Praise your child for positive steps towards mastery of the fear or anxiety. Where appropriate, provide tangible reinforcers (e.g. an incentive system) to further strengthen progress and behavioural gains.

8 Highlight Your Child's Progress
Find tangible ways in which your child can see that he/she is making positive progress towards his/her goal of mastery of their fear or anxiety. Keep a daily chart or log of the positive steps that they have made. Review your child's progress regularly with him/her and show them how they are moving closer to their target goal.

Approaches to Avoid
In addition to serving as a positive role model and helper for your child to cope successfully with his/her fears and anxieties, Caplan and Caplan (1983) also point out that we must be mindful not to act in ways which might serve to create new fears or further exacerbate existing fears and anxieties in our children.

For example, Caplan and Caplan (1983) describe several ways in which parents may unwittingly contribute to this:

1. Fear as a Method of Discipline
Using fear as a means of disciplining your child can serve to heighten his/her worry and anxiety about people, situations, etc.

2. Severe Punishment
Using severe punishment or threats will only serve to heighten your child's anger and may serve to create or strengthen fears or anxieties for situations, etc. which may be associated with the punishment.

3. Excessive Expectations
Having expectations for your child which are unrealistic will only serve to create undue anxiety and fear of failure in your child. These undue expectations will cause your child to try and avoid these situations to which the expectations are tied and will only serve to exacerbate their worries about their performance in your eyes.

4. Overprotectiveness
Attempting to shield your child totally from experiencing discomforting feelings may serve to actually reinforce their fears and anxieties as they will not develop the self-confidence that comes from exploring their environment and developing mastery of their world. Dependency will be fostered and your child will become reluctant to face new and challenging situations.

5. Overpermissiveness
By being overly permissive and having few limits or rules for your child you may hamper your child's ability to develop self-restraint and self-control. This may cause your child to feel out of control in some situations which may then serve to increase their sense of anxiety and fear. Providing your child with a sense of boundaries though the application of reasonable rules and limits may serve to provide your child with a sense of security and reassurance.

6. Overexposure
As a parent you must be sensitive to the age appropriateness of exposing your child to situations which may prove anxiety inducing or fearful for them. Situations which you feel that they cannot cope with should be avoided. Believing that they will learn best by being thrown into fear-inducing situations unexpectedly and without proper preparation will only serve to heighten their anxiety and worry. Also limit their exposure to excessive and gratuitous violence and horror in the movies, videos, and television that they watch.

Using Literature to Assist Children

In addition to the methods outlined above, children frequently may be assisted in overcoming their fears and anxieties through the use of books and stories which serve to provide them with practical suggestions and ideas about ways to cope and effectively master their fears. Increasingly over the years, therapists have found it beneficial to use stories and books as methods for having children come to grips with their problems and difficulties. Stories can easily serve as a way for youngsters to learn about their particular fear or anxiety, to identify with the story character facing a similar problem, and ultimately to learn new strategies to successfully cope with and master their particular problem. Stories such as these can serve to also normalize children's fears and anxieties and serve to make them feel less different than other kids. Stories can also serve as excellent starting points for you and your child to talk about the problem at hand, to explore thoughts and feelings, and to actively problem solve together ways to confront his/her difficulties.

Pardeck and Pardeck (1993) have recently published a list of children's books which may be used to help your child master his/her fears and anxieties. Books such as these may be found in the public library, at local bookstores, or ordered directly.

From Pardeck and Pardeck (1993):

Barsuhn, Rochelle. Feeling Afraid. Chicago: Children's Press, 1982. IL: Ages 4-6.
Common fears such as being afraid of the dark and of animals are described. Also discussed is the fear of making friends, reciting in front of class, and learning new skills. The book teaches children how to overcome these fears.

Corey, Dorothy. You Go Away. Chicago: Whitman, 1976. IL: Ages 2-6.
This book is about helping very small children deal with separation from parents. Examples of separation include parents being away from children overnight and children's first day at school.

Henkes, Kevin. All Alone. New York: Greenwillow, 1981. IL: Ages 4-8.
This story helps small children cope with separation. A number of positive aspects of separation are presented.

Little, Jean. Different Dragons. London: Puffin, 1987. IL: Ages 8-12.
Ben makes a discovery which proves that he is not the only one who is afraid of a few things.

McPhaill, David. Andrew's First Flight. London: Puffin, 1990. IL: Ages 2-6.
A picture book for children who are flying for the first time or who are nervous about flying.

Several other books which we might recommend include:

Lankton, Stephen, R. The Blammo-Surprise! Book. A Story to Help Children Overcome Fears. New York: Magination. 1988. IL: Ages 6-10.
This book tells the story of Terry who is afraid of the circus and how he discusses this with another child and learns to overcome his problem.

Lobby, Ted. Jessica and the Wolf. A Story for Children who have Bad Dreams. New York: Magination.1990. IL: Ages 4-8.
This book tells the story of a young girl who dreams nightly of being chased by a sleek, black wolf. The story tells how she discusses the problem with her parents and develops a plan to deal with her problem.

Marcus, Irene Wineman and Marcus, Paul. Scary Night Visitors. A Story for Children with Bedtime Fears. New York: Magination. 1990. IL: Ages 4-8.
This book helps children who have bedtime fears learn ways to feel safe enough to let them experience their emotions and come to grips with their bedtime fears.

Phillips, Neil. The Panic Book. Australia: Shrink-Rap Press. 1996. IL: Ages 12 and up.
This book will tell you about panic disorder and it will tell you how it can be treated and beaten.

Wever, Chris. The Secret Problem. Australia: Shrink-Rap Press. 1994. IL: Ages 8 and up.
This book provides an excellent overview for children and teenagers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It describes the problem and how a child and his/her family can address the problem and bring the symptoms under control.

Wever, Chris. The School Wobblies. Australia: Shrink-Rap Press. 1994. IL: Ages 6-10.
This book is written for children who have difficulty going to school because they are frightened or worry too much. It provides an explanation for the problem and solutions to overcome it.

Conclusion

In trying out these various strategies remember to be patient, positive, and persistent. Expectations must be realistic and lack of initial success should not be met with discouragement or a sense of failure. If the approach you try does not initially succeed give it another try and stick with it for a period of time. In most instances, you will find your child making positive progress and beginning to develop a sense of mastery over his/her fears and anxieties.

Despite trying these various strategies you may still, however, find instances where you see your child continuing to struggle to effectively cope. Should your concern persist and your child's efforts to master his/her fear and anxiety remain unsuccessful do not hesitate to contact a mental health professional to discuss your concerns further.

References

Barrios, Billy A., & O'Dell, Stan L. (1998). Fears and anxieties. In Eric J. Mash & Russell A. Barkley (Eds.),
Treatment of childhood disorders (pp. 249-337). New York: Guilford Press.

Caplan, T. and Caplan, F. (1983). The Early Years. New York: Bantam Books.

Manassis, Katharina. (1996). Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child. New York: Barron's Educational Series, Inc.

Pardeck, John T. and Pardeck, Jean A. (1993). Bibliotherapy: A Clinical Approach to Helping Children. Switzerland: Gordon and Breach Science Publishers.